no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
