if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
