If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
