Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
