Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
