you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
