Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
