Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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