someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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