theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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