Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
