I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
