Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
