apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Two words: nipple clamps
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