my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
