Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
