I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
