theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
