i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
