he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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