I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He passed out mid-signature
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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