Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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