Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
