Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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