she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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