but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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