fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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