covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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