I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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