distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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