i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
