I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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