none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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