My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
