how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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