i already hear my dad disowning me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
