it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
