When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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