YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
