sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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