I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
