thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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