Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
