question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
