So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
