i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
