I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
