I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
