look no pants
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
only if we run a train.
done.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
