I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
