Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
