so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
